Four Proven Steps To Letting Go Of Control

I'll never forget my mentor's sage advice years ago:

"The tighter you cling, the slower you'll grow."

She told me this on a Zoom call while I was in a hotel room in LA on a site inspection trip. This meeting with her kicked off my day, which would eventually unfold into site inspections of 3 of LA's best hotels before lunch with the head of sales at the Chateau Marmont before ending the day with another 2 site inspections and cocktails with an agent interested in joining my slowly budding team of advisors, then known as Epperly Travel. I did not have time to cling tightly to anything, but I certainly didn't let that stop my death grip on my schedule or my business. I would let go of control, on my own time, whenever I deemed perfect.

What I didn't know at the time of hearing those words was that in less than half a year, my business would be brought to zero, which would soon force my partner and I to walk away from the home we were in the process of purchasing. I also didn't know that I was already pregnant with our first child. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we're supposed to learn, whether we're ready to learn them or not. 

I've since studied the days that followed that season - one I refer to, lovingly, as the MBA I never wanted - and have discovered a rhythm to letting go of control. We all seek control in varying degrees, and in some cases, it may manifest as a necessity. Whether it's the need to control every detail of your work or personal life or the feeling that you're the bottleneck of your business, holding onto control can be detrimental. Sometimes letting go of control can be challenging, and it may take a life-altering event or mere realization that what worked in the past won't work in the future. My working research has led me to believe the cadence of letting go of control plays out over the course of these four steps:

1) Reaction

We often react to situations based on our past experiences and current headspace, such as burnout, perfectionism, or imposter syndrome. These reactions become well-worn grooves that can be challenging to break out of without recognizing their impact. To loosen our grip on control, we need to take a step back and evaluate our reactions. When we respond reflexively, we may end up self-sabotaging or holding ourselves back. By recognizing our adverse reactions and how they impact our behavior, we can change our behavior.

2) Reason

Change only occurs when you have a reason to do so. Sometimes circumstances outside of our control may force us to reevaluate our behavior. Perhaps a health crisis upended your daily routine and challenged the illusion that you could control every aspect of life, you may now find yourself teetering quite far out of control. Alternatively, a personal realization that our behavior is no longer sustainable can also provide the impetus to change. By recognizing the reasons for our actions, we open ourselves up to the possibility of change and growth.

3) Retrain

Whether we encounter an intrinsic or extrinsic reason to change, it's always possible to retrain our usual instincts. This is where the real work begins. In order to loosen the grip we have on control, we have to - as Brene Brown puts it - examine our emotions like a scientist. By studying our responses, we can objectively evaluate what works and what doesn't. This process can help us find new ways to approach situations and develop better habits. We can create new thought patterns that help us identify and resist the urge to control everything.

4) Redeem

Once we've gone through the cadence of identifying these behaviors, only then can we accept a redemption story and a new path forward. As they say, what got us here won't get us there. When we relinquish control, we can begin responding from a place of power. We become proactive in shaping the direction of our lives. Whether it's re-evaluating our priorities or letting go of the need to micromanage, we become more empowered.

I've spoken to many of our podcast guests extensively about their own journeys with control, keep an eye out for the soon to launch interview with Amy Porterfield, who discusses how overworking and overthinking once hindered productivity and how creating white space helps reinvigorate work. The ability to let go of control doesn't come overnight; it takes time and effort, but it is the first step toward upleveling our businesses and our lives.